Breaking News on the Mayoral Race!
Due to a groundswell of demand coming from the 1800 block of Elysian Fields, a new candidate is throwing his fedora in the ring. After carefully reviewing the candidates and realizing that I could not pull the lever for any of them, I listened to the voices in my head and decided to run myself as a write in candidate. Already I am assured one vote, which at the least will get me a tiny listing at the bottom of the listings in the Times Picayune, and at the most will lead to several votes in the next election, building to an eventual election and finally a new political sanity in our city. Less speeches, more promises (the platform took me 15 minutes, it may evolve) so here it is:
1. The nationalization (cityization?) of any empty French Quarter condo owned and unused for more than 6 months a year by a Los Angelino or Corporation. The French Quarter should be the center of our community, rather than having more abandoned homes than my own Katrina ravaged neighborhood. These houses will be available for immediate inhabitation, first come first serve, by residents through a race that will start at Sammy’s Food on Elysian Fields and will have many obstacles along the way. Details forthcoming.
2. To improve the neighborly feeling in the city and reduce the crime rate, park benches will be installed in front of any house by request of the resident. These benches will be personally installed by Jackie Clarkson who will be performing her penance for previous crimes against New Orleans humanity.
3. A ban on T-Shirt shops in the French Quarter. These will be immediately available to artists of all sorts at subsidized rents paid for with a teeny sales tax levied on all fast food places that are located within 200 feet of a neighborhood po boy place.
4. Culturally pay tribute to our own city with statues to be erected for Ruthie the Duck Girl and Benny and Clovis Martin among others. Super bowl rings for everyone in the city paid for with the money saved by renogotiating Nagins kickback enhanced garbage contracts. Any landmark mentioned in Confederacy of Dunces, starting with the Penny Arcade on Royal Street to be reopened.
5. Imported shrimp and crawfish tails banned from the city limits.
6. The new Donut shop at Claiborne and Elysian Fields must stay open well after 5 PM. Future donut shops will be licensed do they understand the importance of late night donuts to the residents of this city.
7. Vigorous prosecution of the people who litter our streets and poles with their signs advertising businesses. If a business is willing to ruin the aesthetics our city and are too cheap to pay for real advertising should have to pay some price. Certain crooked city council members have promised me they would enforce the current laws about this issue, but as certain crooked city council members were lying, I will make this a priority. It is overdue.
8. The ban on Duels that the damn Yankees placed on the city in the late 19th century will be repealed. Gentleman will solve their problems and restore dignity to the city the old fashioned way; with swords and to first blood.
9. A ban on automobiles (including parked on the street) from the French Quarter on Tuesdays and Wednesdays with free parking and public transportation to Gentilly where they will be able to keep their cars over those days.
This platform (which needs one more plank-submissions welcome) has certainly cemented my conviction to vote for myself as a write in candidate in this years mayoral election. I appear to be the only candidate listening to my own concerns.. I invite you to join me in the effort to restore sanity to our city and return New Orleans to the stature and glory it had in its past cultural heyday.
Due to popular demand, pictures will be included in this platform soon for more enjoyable perusing. That kind of thing isn’t my computer stregnth, but as a servant to the people, I respond to all requests.
Jeff Shyman (write that down so we will have our spelling synchronized on election day)